odds & ends & audrey

“continual improvements in my ability to express myself” – Barbara Ehrenreich in living with a wild god

  • The Miss Uterus contest

    Human dissections in the anatomy lab are a feared component of medical school. It’s an intellectual challenge—the idea of cutting open another human being is jarring to the core—as well as an academic one—becoming versed in the minutiae of muscle, tendon, and bone is not an easy task. The medical student is naive as they enter; I was unsure of what to expect, what my human donor’s body would look like, and my reactions to it all. Yet, after 3 months of labor, the medical student leaves with a better understanding of himself and an appreciation of the fallibility and resilience of the human body. Anatomy lab is a rite of passage in the pursuit of medicine, and I was empowered to know I had undertaken this experience and lived to see the other side. I felt stronger.

    Nothing prepared me for the first uncovering of the human donors. I stood, with a scapel in one hand and the dissection manual in the other, above the gleaming metal coffin. As my team uncovered the plastic tarp surrounding her, I took in this human. Grey, wrinkly, and thoroughly smelling of formalin, her body felt more like a moldy wax sculpture than a breathing human she once was. Truthfully, it was better this way. It helped the mind draw a distinction between what was living and what was dead. It helped compartmentalize the egregious things we would do to her body for the sake of learning.

    We didn’t leave any body part untouched as we dissected her away, bit by bit of fat, skin, and fascia. Starting with the chest, we peeled away the ribs to uncover her heart. I could place the heart in the palm of my hand. It was small and strong for this lady of 70 years. I felt powerful, even more so when cutting further to view the coronary vessels and tracing them back to their origin. We then moved to the inguinal region and the femoral vessels, watching as they curved back to innervate the lower extremities. The most gruesome dissections were saved for last. We dissected the head and the hands with care. These were the most undeniably human parts of the body, making it the most jarring to take apart. Understandably, some students passed the blade to a peer for these sessions, while others (future surgeons) took over.

    The lab was open all day and night. Teams of students would be huddled over bodies, engrossed in the tasks at hand. In the back, students would peer into the pools of formaldehyde, plunging in a gloved hand to remove human prosections, usually hands and feet. Others would be working with the human anatomy professors, straining their ears to catch every word for fear they would miss out on an exam hint. These professors had been around as long as some of the sample bones in the lab, that is to say, as old and wise as the bodies we were dissecting. They were characters. One professor couldn’t smell the formaldehyde from years of work, we saw another inadvertently ingest human remains, and the last would host an anatomically correct puppet shows for learning purposes. The “Miss Uterus Show” was a fan favorite among the students; I left not only knowing female reproductive anatomy, but with a chocolate rose and sparkly tiara.

    As someone who won’t pursue surgery, I still feel anatomy dissection was one of the most valuable and unique experiences I’ve ever had. Understanding the human body (my body) to the level of detail required was a worthwhile challenge and a fundamental part of my training as a physician. It brought me to eye level, literally, with my patient. It renewed in me a sense of humility and gratitude—for the donor’s final gift to my education, for my peers who shared in this experience, and for the vast knowledge made possible by standing on the shoulders of giants.

  • what’s life like with aphantasia?

    To those who can recall friends’ faces like the back of their hand; to the dreamers who watch sheep vault over fences in the dark; to the ones who can play movies in their head — remember that for some, the mind’s eye is silent.

    Aphantasia, the inability to create mental images, is not widely understood. I discovered the term in 2020, when my dad sent a NYT article by Serena Puang to the family group chat. Puang relates her experience discovering aphantasia in college, and notes that many discover this unique experience — or lack of — in their early 20’s. Right on time for me.

    “Interesting article,” my dad texts, “anybody relate?”

    Both my brothers and I resonated with the article. It gives a voice to an experience that we’ve known as normal for so long. It’s as if I discovered a new language – a form of communication, imagery, and thought that was out of my vocabulary.

    Puang’s description of aphantasia is spot on. When I close my eyes, I see black dots and fuzz. Even if I try really, really, hard to imagine a juicy red apple — a classic test to gauge aphantasia and imaginative potential — nothing appears. Of course, those with aphantasia know what a sheep, a red apple, or their family looks like, but the visual imagery of those objects is absent.

    There’s no true confirmatory test for aphantasia, nor is aphantasia a true diagnosis. Imagination and “the mind’s eye” are things that can only be described. Yet when one person attempts to convey what they “see,” it’s subjective. I cannot truly understand what a mind’s eye looks like, just like someone with a vivid imagination cannot understand a life without it.

    This makes the discussion of aphantasia inherently difficult, but so compelling at the same time. Still, I was able to conclude I have aphantasia by the presence of other signs: I have a terrible memory; I’m impressed by the way my friends will remember details about memories we created at the same time. I rarely dream and if I do, it’s always a feeling I remember rather than images. I always thought counting sheep was a lie that parents told young kids to get them to go to bed; I could count numbers, but never “saw” these magical sheep. When I read, I absorb the words, but I don’t have a mental storyline.

    While aphantasia is unique, it is not uncommon. Various writers, artists, and scientist (see Wikipedia) have claimed they have a “blind eye” – a testament that aphantasia is a variation of the human experience, not a pathologic one. Imagination is a spectrum and just as there are “aphantics” there are “hyper-phantics”. I’m also interested in understanding if aphantasia can be inherited. My immediate family has trouble visualizing images, but my aunts don’t seem to share this experience. More work is needed to characterize this experience.

    Powerful visual imagery can be a blessing or a curse. Without the input of strong visual imagery and the emotions tied to it, I’m able to regulate my emotions well. I can think abstractly, adapt easily to new situations, and stay calm in intense situations, relying on logic. I also forgive easily, a consequence of living more in the present and less in the past. I continue to adapt to my inner world, gaining insight into how aphantasia shapes both my internal experiences and my interactions with the world around me. In doing so, I’ve come to appreciate the strengths of a mind oriented toward ideas, logic, and facts.

  • 2025: A year in numbers

    12 cities
    7 shows
    15 movies
    74 restaurants
    7 books
    92,380 anki reviews

    bye bye 2025! hello 2026